Ira and Lee

This is a nonsense story I wrote on the way to Nationals this year.

It was a dark and stormy night and Ira Garlett was curled up in bed with his tuba, root beer, and stuffed lizard. Thunder always made him nervous and these three items were a great source of comfort for him. A huge clap of thunder shook the house, and the tuba shivered and crawled under the pillow.
In the next room, Lee sat on the bed with his philosophy, sociology, and molecular chemistry books. he was the studious one in the family and was determined to get his PhD by the age of 19. He didn't dare turn on the light for fear that his mother would make him turn it off, so he read what he could in between flashes of lightning.
There was another tremendous clap of thunder and the root beer began to sob. Ira began a long conversation with the lizard and they talked about pizza and strawberries and kazoos and lions.
A huge flash of lightning lit up the neighborhood and Lee quickly memorized the ionization property of a dormant carbon isotope. After a few minutes, he heard the root beer screaming in fright, so he calmly went into Ira's room to drink it. Ira and the lizard were deep into discussing the best way to slice a lion. (?) When Ira saw Lee reach for the root beer, he began to whimper.
"No! Not my root beer!" he wailed.
"Ira please," said Lee. "Can't you see it's frightened? I'm here to put it out of its misery."
It took some doing, but Lee finally convinced Ira and drank the root beer. It settled down at once and fell asleep.
Lee went back to his room reciting the theorem for cohesive action against a fused sulfur particle.
Ira rolled over and he and the lizard began to plot how to set up a dictatorship over the kitchen.
In the morning, Lee left the house to take his Level 5 Bio-Physics exam. Ira began to morph, as he often did after thunderstorms, and had to be taken to the hospital for a breathing treatment. When he was brought home, he was put to bed, his tuba was confiscated, and he was strictly forbidden to talk to the lizard. The lizard disliked this rule and he growled in his throat and his ears turned orange. Ira took no notice of this, but began to talk to his pterodactyl, which he kept in a small bottle on his dresser. The pterodactyl had found the morph to be extremely funny and was busy giving crude imitations of it.
Lee, meanwhile, had returned home and was celebrating his score of 708 on his Level 5 Bio-Physics exam. He was halfway to his PhD.
Lunch was uneventful.
After lunch, the boys remembered that they had an alligator to mail to the White House. President Obama had specifically requested that it be delivered to the Green Room, for whatever reason. Perhaps he thought it would be more comfortable there than in a swamp. He couldn't have been more wrong. The poor alligator, being used to wet and warm places was quite uncomfortable in the cool, dry Green Room. His skin became dry and crusty and it turned a most horrid shade of yellow. The First Lady came to the rescue with her Exotic Indian Curry and Cayenne lotion. She generously applied three bottles of it to his back and gave him a vigorous massage. The poor creature was horribly allergic to curry and cayenne, and his skin turned blue. He swelled up like a helium balloon and began hovering around about 13 inches off the floor. And there we shall leave him for the first family to find.
But, back to Lee and Ira. They had a terrible time trying to get the Alligator to the post office. First, they had to find him. He was curled up in the dishwasher enjoying the heat and the water. Occasionally, the soap would get in his eyes and make him snort, but for the most part he was ok. When they finally prodded him out of the dishwasher, they ran into another problem as the alligator proceeded to hide under the TV. Ira sighed and went to find the tuba. Lee took the opportunity to review the manipulative propensity of a retrograde moticon. After approximately 26 minutes, the alligator slunk out from under the TV. Quickly, Lee caught him by the tail and sat on him. The alligator, being much annoyed by this new situation, got up and began to sprint. Lee hung on and hollered for Ira, who dropped the tuba and hopped onto the alligator. This effectively prevented the alligator from sprinting and forced him into a slow sort of crawl. He dug his claws into the floor to keep himself from being steered out the door. After the carpet had been successfully shredded and the wood turned to splinters, Lee and Ira finally got him outside. He proceeded to dig his claws into the concrete, but this effort failed miserably and resulted in wearing his claws down to stubs. After that, he meekly allowed himself to be led to the Post Office where the boys ran into the problem of mailing him. The postman took one look at the alligator and fainted. His helper took one look at Ira and retired.
That's as far as I ever got. :)